Words Stuck in My Head

For different people, different words.
Different worlds.
Different parts of me.

Sometimes the lucky ones they see
The whole.
But most only see what I let them...

You, my friend from Neverland
All you see is the sweetest parts, the parts for helping
The Wendy.
Because the gritty reality of me
is too much for you
You who will never grow up.

And for you, the one who walked away
When I needed you most
All you see anymore is my ghost.
I wonder if it scares you in the night
When the lights are dimmed
And the words you've used
To convince yourself it's all alright
Lose their power
Do you smell the flowers in my hair?
Do you care?

And the oldest of the you's.
You threw me away.
Left the deepest scars.
Do you even see me at all anymore?
Sometimes I still see you
Even though I don't want to.
You left pieces of you so deep inside me
I sometimes wonder if I'll ever be free...

I get words stuck in my head
Words for all three
But they don't find release
They just stay inside
or find themselves trapped on a page...

Trapped like me.

Eyes Wide Open - Gotye

False Friend

Secret messages
Encoded whispers in your words
Reaching for something, someone else, always.
Not really caring how your words cut
How your verses hurt.

Your motives are so apparent
You are not so subtle
You are not so smart.
You cannot reach into this heart.

Not anymore
You gave up access to that most precious place
Without even seeing my face
You gave it up.

When I am honest
When I am true
You turn on me, spitting vitriol and malice
You think you're the only one in your crystal palace?
Be careful not to throw stones
or you, too, will come undone.

I will walk away
I will say goodbye.
I wish you the best, whether you wish me the same or not
It doesn't matter anymore.

There is no score to settle.
Its over.

Ruined Fairy Tales

There are many stories we're told as kids. Some stay with us, always.

One such tale for me is Peter Pan. The tale of a trickster, adventurer, eternal kid who will take you away to a place where you're safe from mean grown ups & responsibility & worries about things like what you'll be when you grow up...because you'll never grow up. He's a little bit of a sad sort, stuck in his world, lonely really... so as the girl (Wendy!) I always longed to find a way to bring Peter Pan home.

This has led to me falling for another fairy tale: That one day you will meet someone who will see in you their grand adventure, the biggest and best adventure they have ever experienced. That they'll want you with them so much they'll break their own rules (NO GIRLS IN NEVERLAND), take you away from everything you've ever known (false promises, broken hearts, loneliness...) to a new place, no one has ever been before.

Right.

That's maybe the worst fairy tale of all. Because, as we all know, that just doesn't actually exist. We find something close, something almost there...but nothing is ever quite right, is it? And even though we know that it takes work, its never as easy as it is in the movies...still we hope it'll maybe be that way for us. That we're the exception, not the rule.

I would kill to be someone's exception.

But instead? I sit here after work each day, alone. Nobody to talk to about how the day has gone, or to just...sit next to while we don't do anything at all. No one to go for a hike with on a lovely spring day, or to cuddle next to when the cold winds blow. Nothing.

Each time I hope I get close, it's taken away from me. I've been told it's cuz I wanted it too much. But, didn't Wendy long for an escape from the nursery? Dream of not having to become a lady? And, she got it. Granted, it didn't end up quite how she'd imagined...but... still. She got what she wanted. I don't get what I want. I've been single for 4 years. I've had short flings that served to do nothing but reinforce the fact that no one wants me. For a myriad of reasons, really, but the end result is always the same.

Me. Alone.

Words.

There was a time I thought you were the one
But you tricked me, you see?
With the words you said to me.

I wish I'd never met you.
I wish I could forget you.
Just wipe away the memory of your face from my mind.

You never felt the same,
You lied over & over again.
Tricked me into thinking you would be different from the others before...

You were the worst!
Now I'm cursed
You haunt my dreams.
I know I'll never see you again.
Once we were lovers
Now, we're not even friends.
The end.

Looks like you're happy
Wish it made me happy to see.
This pain just won't go away
Wish I could say to you that I'mg glad for you...
But I'm not.

You tricked me with your words
Your lies
Your sneaks & hidden alibis.

Now I'm here alone & hurt
You were worse than all the rest.
You took my best
You threw it away.

Now there's nothing left to say.

You were the worst
Now I'm cursed
You haunt my dreams
Yet I know I'll never see you again.
Once we were lovers
Now we're not even friends.
The End.