Words Stuck in My Head

For different people, different words.
Different worlds.
Different parts of me.

Sometimes the lucky ones they see
The whole.
But most only see what I let them...

You, my friend from Neverland
All you see is the sweetest parts, the parts for helping
The Wendy.
Because the gritty reality of me
is too much for you
You who will never grow up.

And for you, the one who walked away
When I needed you most
All you see anymore is my ghost.
I wonder if it scares you in the night
When the lights are dimmed
And the words you've used
To convince yourself it's all alright
Lose their power
Do you smell the flowers in my hair?
Do you care?

And the oldest of the you's.
You threw me away.
Left the deepest scars.
Do you even see me at all anymore?
Sometimes I still see you
Even though I don't want to.
You left pieces of you so deep inside me
I sometimes wonder if I'll ever be free...

I get words stuck in my head
Words for all three
But they don't find release
They just stay inside
or find themselves trapped on a page...

Trapped like me.

Eyes Wide Open - Gotye

False Friend

Secret messages
Encoded whispers in your words
Reaching for something, someone else, always.
Not really caring how your words cut
How your verses hurt.

Your motives are so apparent
You are not so subtle
You are not so smart.
You cannot reach into this heart.

Not anymore
You gave up access to that most precious place
Without even seeing my face
You gave it up.

When I am honest
When I am true
You turn on me, spitting vitriol and malice
You think you're the only one in your crystal palace?
Be careful not to throw stones
or you, too, will come undone.

I will walk away
I will say goodbye.
I wish you the best, whether you wish me the same or not
It doesn't matter anymore.

There is no score to settle.
Its over.

Ruined Fairy Tales

There are many stories we're told as kids. Some stay with us, always.

One such tale for me is Peter Pan. The tale of a trickster, adventurer, eternal kid who will take you away to a place where you're safe from mean grown ups & responsibility & worries about things like what you'll be when you grow up...because you'll never grow up. He's a little bit of a sad sort, stuck in his world, lonely really... so as the girl (Wendy!) I always longed to find a way to bring Peter Pan home.

This has led to me falling for another fairy tale: That one day you will meet someone who will see in you their grand adventure, the biggest and best adventure they have ever experienced. That they'll want you with them so much they'll break their own rules (NO GIRLS IN NEVERLAND), take you away from everything you've ever known (false promises, broken hearts, loneliness...) to a new place, no one has ever been before.

Right.

That's maybe the worst fairy tale of all. Because, as we all know, that just doesn't actually exist. We find something close, something almost there...but nothing is ever quite right, is it? And even though we know that it takes work, its never as easy as it is in the movies...still we hope it'll maybe be that way for us. That we're the exception, not the rule.

I would kill to be someone's exception.

But instead? I sit here after work each day, alone. Nobody to talk to about how the day has gone, or to just...sit next to while we don't do anything at all. No one to go for a hike with on a lovely spring day, or to cuddle next to when the cold winds blow. Nothing.

Each time I hope I get close, it's taken away from me. I've been told it's cuz I wanted it too much. But, didn't Wendy long for an escape from the nursery? Dream of not having to become a lady? And, she got it. Granted, it didn't end up quite how she'd imagined...but... still. She got what she wanted. I don't get what I want. I've been single for 4 years. I've had short flings that served to do nothing but reinforce the fact that no one wants me. For a myriad of reasons, really, but the end result is always the same.

Me. Alone.

Words.

There was a time I thought you were the one
But you tricked me, you see?
With the words you said to me.

I wish I'd never met you.
I wish I could forget you.
Just wipe away the memory of your face from my mind.

You never felt the same,
You lied over & over again.
Tricked me into thinking you would be different from the others before...

You were the worst!
Now I'm cursed
You haunt my dreams.
I know I'll never see you again.
Once we were lovers
Now, we're not even friends.
The end.

Looks like you're happy
Wish it made me happy to see.
This pain just won't go away
Wish I could say to you that I'mg glad for you...
But I'm not.

You tricked me with your words
Your lies
Your sneaks & hidden alibis.

Now I'm here alone & hurt
You were worse than all the rest.
You took my best
You threw it away.

Now there's nothing left to say.

You were the worst
Now I'm cursed
You haunt my dreams
Yet I know I'll never see you again.
Once we were lovers
Now we're not even friends.
The End.

A Conversation I Know Will Never Happen

I wanna talk to you. 
But, I know that's about as likely as me growing wings & flying away.

So, I'm going to talk to you through this medium. Who knows, maybe you'll stumble across it someday & finally hear what I've tried to say.

Here goes.

*****

I was driving home from work, same route I take everyday. As I pulled through the intersection, I saw you there in the drive. I'd imagined this for weeks. You, appearing on my doorstep finally wanting to talk. Or you, dropping by my office on my lunch break to go get coffee... or you showing up at karaoke one night, hoping I'd be there & for the first time in weeks, I am...

There you are. Just leaning against the car like you're James Dean or something. (You're not James Dean, darling.) My heart does a back-flip, quite against my will. I had somehow managed to convince myself I didn't care about you anymore. Wow. I guess I'm almost as good a liar as you are.

"Hey, Jenny," you say as I get out of my car...

"Hi, stranger." I try to sound as nonchalant as is humanly possible. Which isn't very nonchalant. "What brings you here after...you know."

"I missed you?" That smirk. Seriously torn between smacking you & walking away or kissing your face. Damn. I really thought I was over this. I am such a dumb girl.

"Uh-huh. Look, I don't know why you're here but I've had a really long day & I have homework to do & I am not sure I am up for...whatever this is, okay?"

Crestfallen. Now I feel guilty. I feel guilty?! Why on earth do I feel guilty? Because it's you. Because even after you lied to me, even after you disappeared & spent some "Time Alone" aka getting back together with your ex-girlfriend... even after all of that, I missed your stupid face. 

"Do you want to come inside for a drink? I guess... I can give you a few minutes."

"Yes! I'd like that a lot." You follow me inside, open the door for me...of course you do. You always did. A gentleman through & through...even if you're a huge jerk.

"So...what's up?" I ask you as I pour us some sun tea. I am grateful for the comfort of this simple drink...reminding me of simpler, safer times from when I was just a kid.

"The house is for sale?" 

"Yep. Daddy put it up soon as my uncle moved to California. I'm thinking I'll be moving in with friends or something, til I can afford to go out on my own."

"That's cool."

Ugh...really? "Look, what do you want to talk to me about?" I really, actually & honestly don't have time for this bull.

"I owe you an apology."

Whoa. That wasn't exactly what I expected. "Yeah? You do." I sometimes have a bad temper... I can feel its ugly head rising. Don't. Roll. Your. Eyes... yet.

"Ouch." SERIOUSLY?!

"Not cute, dude. You lied to me. Outright lied. And then you let your friend tell me I needed counseling. Remember that? Do you remember me practically begging you not to come to my father's retirement luncheon if you were going to just turn around & ditch me? Do you? Because I do. I also remember you telling me you wouldn't just disappear. You did that too! Which, honestly, hurts more than anything else." Whoops. There it went. You did kinda ask for it though, right? Right. 

"I know." 

"Ugh. This is pointless. Are you happy? Is this what you came here for?"

"I'm...not sure why I came here. I just needed to see you & tell you I really am sorry for treating you so badly."

Sigh. "Okay... That's nice."

"What? That's it? Really?" I can't believe this.

"Look, what did you expect from me? That I'd forgive you & just...what? That'd be it? I absolve you of your sins & you can feel good about yourself again & I'm left here to...what? Still be alone, sad, hurt & know that you're really really sorry. Please forgive me if I maybe think that proof is in the pudding. God! You still have no idea what you want, do you?"

"No... I don't. I just know that I don't want to have hurt you."

"Well, you did. What are you going to do to fix it?"

"I... I really don't know."

"I suggest you figure that out. You have no idea how much I've missed you, worried about you, hated you & then hated myself for feeling that way. I never lied to you once. I wish you'd just have faith in yourself & in me. But you didn't. And now... that's it."

"I see." 

And so, we sit there. Not looking at each other. Both of us sad & frustrated & hurt & lost. How did we get here? How do I get you to go home so I can do my schoolwork? Wow. That thought just happened. Guess I am more over you than I'd thought.

I start walking towards the door & as I hoped, you follow.

"Look. You'd prolly better go. But..." 

"Yes?" Ugh, that hope. What does it mean?

"If you want to talk more... just... I'll be here. I'm in school now, though, so I'll only be here on weekends."

"Great! That's...that's really great. I will. I promise." No. Just no.

"Don't. Just don't. I'll see you when I see you, okay?" Butterflies. Thought those were dead for sure.

"Right. Take care, Jenny Bird."

"You too. And if I don't see you...be happy." GAH. My stupid mouth. Look at that big smile.

And with a nod, you just walk out the door.

Don't think I'll be seeing you again, but then again... I didn't think you'd come here tonight either.

*****

Yeah, so that never happened. Wish it did. Or would. But...it won't.

“Never say goodbye because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting.” 
― J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

The Beginning of Something

I've been having many thoughts in my head lately.

I need to get them out. But, I find myself with little time to take a pen to paper and write. So I will write where and when I can, however I can. This helps.

This will be full of ramblings, shamblings, half poems and songs, half dreams and hopes and discarded hurts...maybe not so discarded. This will help... I hope.

I will stay up too late and get up too early. I will fight for love but cry myself to sleep every other night. My heart isn't broken but it isn't fully patched, either...

Remember what I said about the rambling? Yeah. That.

Anyhow. This is that and maybe this is the start of something good. Or just the start...of something.

Thanks. For now, I'm gonna go squeeze my eyes closed.

“If you shut your eyes and are a lucky one, you may see at times a shapeless pool of lovely pale colours suspended in the darkness; then if you squeeze your eyes tighter, the pool begins to take shape, and the colours become so vivid that with another squeeze they must go on fire.” 
― J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

<3 - Jenny Bird

P.S. Also - there will be many quotes, from many places...but a lot will be from Peter Pan as it is my favorite.