A Conversation I Know Will Never Happen

I wanna talk to you. 
But, I know that's about as likely as me growing wings & flying away.

So, I'm going to talk to you through this medium. Who knows, maybe you'll stumble across it someday & finally hear what I've tried to say.

Here goes.

*****

I was driving home from work, same route I take everyday. As I pulled through the intersection, I saw you there in the drive. I'd imagined this for weeks. You, appearing on my doorstep finally wanting to talk. Or you, dropping by my office on my lunch break to go get coffee... or you showing up at karaoke one night, hoping I'd be there & for the first time in weeks, I am...

There you are. Just leaning against the car like you're James Dean or something. (You're not James Dean, darling.) My heart does a back-flip, quite against my will. I had somehow managed to convince myself I didn't care about you anymore. Wow. I guess I'm almost as good a liar as you are.

"Hey, Jenny," you say as I get out of my car...

"Hi, stranger." I try to sound as nonchalant as is humanly possible. Which isn't very nonchalant. "What brings you here after...you know."

"I missed you?" That smirk. Seriously torn between smacking you & walking away or kissing your face. Damn. I really thought I was over this. I am such a dumb girl.

"Uh-huh. Look, I don't know why you're here but I've had a really long day & I have homework to do & I am not sure I am up for...whatever this is, okay?"

Crestfallen. Now I feel guilty. I feel guilty?! Why on earth do I feel guilty? Because it's you. Because even after you lied to me, even after you disappeared & spent some "Time Alone" aka getting back together with your ex-girlfriend... even after all of that, I missed your stupid face. 

"Do you want to come inside for a drink? I guess... I can give you a few minutes."

"Yes! I'd like that a lot." You follow me inside, open the door for me...of course you do. You always did. A gentleman through & through...even if you're a huge jerk.

"So...what's up?" I ask you as I pour us some sun tea. I am grateful for the comfort of this simple drink...reminding me of simpler, safer times from when I was just a kid.

"The house is for sale?" 

"Yep. Daddy put it up soon as my uncle moved to California. I'm thinking I'll be moving in with friends or something, til I can afford to go out on my own."

"That's cool."

Ugh...really? "Look, what do you want to talk to me about?" I really, actually & honestly don't have time for this bull.

"I owe you an apology."

Whoa. That wasn't exactly what I expected. "Yeah? You do." I sometimes have a bad temper... I can feel its ugly head rising. Don't. Roll. Your. Eyes... yet.

"Ouch." SERIOUSLY?!

"Not cute, dude. You lied to me. Outright lied. And then you let your friend tell me I needed counseling. Remember that? Do you remember me practically begging you not to come to my father's retirement luncheon if you were going to just turn around & ditch me? Do you? Because I do. I also remember you telling me you wouldn't just disappear. You did that too! Which, honestly, hurts more than anything else." Whoops. There it went. You did kinda ask for it though, right? Right. 

"I know." 

"Ugh. This is pointless. Are you happy? Is this what you came here for?"

"I'm...not sure why I came here. I just needed to see you & tell you I really am sorry for treating you so badly."

Sigh. "Okay... That's nice."

"What? That's it? Really?" I can't believe this.

"Look, what did you expect from me? That I'd forgive you & just...what? That'd be it? I absolve you of your sins & you can feel good about yourself again & I'm left here to...what? Still be alone, sad, hurt & know that you're really really sorry. Please forgive me if I maybe think that proof is in the pudding. God! You still have no idea what you want, do you?"

"No... I don't. I just know that I don't want to have hurt you."

"Well, you did. What are you going to do to fix it?"

"I... I really don't know."

"I suggest you figure that out. You have no idea how much I've missed you, worried about you, hated you & then hated myself for feeling that way. I never lied to you once. I wish you'd just have faith in yourself & in me. But you didn't. And now... that's it."

"I see." 

And so, we sit there. Not looking at each other. Both of us sad & frustrated & hurt & lost. How did we get here? How do I get you to go home so I can do my schoolwork? Wow. That thought just happened. Guess I am more over you than I'd thought.

I start walking towards the door & as I hoped, you follow.

"Look. You'd prolly better go. But..." 

"Yes?" Ugh, that hope. What does it mean?

"If you want to talk more... just... I'll be here. I'm in school now, though, so I'll only be here on weekends."

"Great! That's...that's really great. I will. I promise." No. Just no.

"Don't. Just don't. I'll see you when I see you, okay?" Butterflies. Thought those were dead for sure.

"Right. Take care, Jenny Bird."

"You too. And if I don't see you...be happy." GAH. My stupid mouth. Look at that big smile.

And with a nod, you just walk out the door.

Don't think I'll be seeing you again, but then again... I didn't think you'd come here tonight either.

*****

Yeah, so that never happened. Wish it did. Or would. But...it won't.

“Never say goodbye because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting.” 
― J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan